What is holding me back in life?

A photo taken at a recent show I played with my band, during which I was feeling self-conscious and self-depricating. But I still love the photo, regardless of it being an imperfect moment. Credit to my photographer friend Katie :)

The Perfectionism Block

I was having a conversation with a colleague and friend the other day when my friend asked me, “What would you say to a potential client who doesn’t know what they need, and thinks that they need to know before talking to you?”

(I do a free 30-minute “little chat” to start off with folks — there’s never any pressure, and even if we don’t work together, I give them a few tools they can use right away.)

I arrived at an answer that brought me right back here, thinking about how perfectionism holds us back from doing what we want.

You can imagine it, right?

I want to write a book, but there’s no way it’ll look like what I picture in my mind, so I’ll hold off until I feel ready to write it well.

I want to have a hard conversation with my partner, but I need to think more about it before I can.

I want to write an email to someone I admire, but I will wait until I have something that will really dazzle them to send it.

That last one is based directly on my procrastination in writing in a “hometown story” to my favorite podcast, My Favorite Murder. Maybe I’ll use this blog series as inspiration to finally do it :)

Let’s think through a solution for someone who wants to have a Little Chat with me but feels unprepared. I wouldn’t just tell them “Don’t worry about it, come anyway!”

That overlooks what’s happening inside them. The kind of worry that tells us “you can’t do this until you’re prepared / good enough / ready enough” is so common, and only gets stronger when we fight it. We have to address it.

I’d say, “Bring that thought and we’ll talk about that! You are exactly ready for the call.” Ironically, the thought that makes them hesitant to schedule is the very challenge I can help them with.

Here’s how, and how you can try solving the perfectionism block for yourself:

Perfectionism is tricky and sneaks into all sorts of places we can’t see it. The best approach isn’t to shove it down or fight our way through. That kind of armor, and the idea that “we need to just get OVER our perfectionism already,” is what makes it hard to see in the first place because it’s secretly, LOL. . . more perfectionism.

A better approach is to calm ourselves down, take a few deep breaths, and get curious. I’d ask the person who wants to have a little chat:

Why did you feel you needed to be so ready for the call?

What was frightening about showing up unprepared?

What is your definition of unprepared, and is it one you even agree with anymore?

For so many endeavors, the best place to start is from a place of struggle: it gives us somewhere to grow from. It’s a beautiful part of being alive, of being human. It takes unlearning old, opposite beliefs to see that. (And that’s often really hard to do on our own, which is why I am a life coach - I support people in that inner work using tangible, often witchy, tools.)

I struggle with this kind of thing too. It’s what makes me good at what I do, that I’m working through the same kinds of challenges and practicing with my own modalities. My therapist often compassionately calls me out on my attachment to coming into interpersonal connections fully prepared to “do the interaction right.” Doing it right isn’t the point and doesn’t actually make much sense: the point is to show up and try. Showing up when you’re not at your best is way better than avoiding showing up at all.

Pretty leaves on the sidewalk during a spate of three imperfect, rainy days this week

Village Witch’s Corner

My intention this week : 

Enjoy the downtimes. Notice where I’m coming up with tasks to do when it’s really a time I wanted to chill out, and practice my Chilling Out skills.

Question(s) I'm asking this week:

Am I avoiding relaxing because it’s actually . . . hard for me?

What I’m Reading:

My relaxing time this week is mostly reading The Cliffs, as recommended to me by my auntie.

Spell of the Week:

Reworking my altars and bringing them new life. And this Samhain Spell.

Wheel of the year:

We’re entering the darker, cooler season, and Samhain (Halloween) is just around the corner. The veil is thinning, the light is changing! To keep an eye out for a Samhain meditation, spell, and explanation, sign up for my Patreon (free and paid options available).