Consistently Creating Despite Self Judgment
Me leading a tarot reading and early spring ritual at Drive-By Projects in MA last weekend. Participants are seated at a long table with materials in front of them, and all around us is the art in Drive-By’s current show, “Magic.” Pretty perfect :)
First, thank you to everyone who came out last weekend to the ritual and tarot reading I hosted at Drive-By Projects! Thanks especially to my mom and her business partner Beth, who invited me as part of their winter show, “Magic.”
You all were such a kind, warm group. Everyone had openhearted questions, and all were game to get their fingers in some melted snow and dirt, which I brought as ritual materials.
If you attended, you have access to 5% (AKA about $10) off my 2-session mini life coaching package for you or someone you know. Reply to this email to redeem!
The cards we pulled are below:
The cards I pulled for our group tarot reading. I used the Spacious Tarot deck by Annie Ruygt and Carrie Mallon.
All right, let’s get into it! Last week I posed a question to my readers: “What do you struggle with in creative commitment?” One thoughtful reader wrote wrote about the struggle of having confidence to keep creating when faced with self-judgment of their work. This, they wrote, often makes creativity feel detached from play.
It’s commonly said that we’re our own worst critics. We say brutal things in our minds about our own work. I’ve had students tell me some of the things they think to themselves: “This is garbage. No one will like this. If they even read it, they’re going to make fun of it.”
Our brains evolved to be the way they are. These brutal messages aren’t arbitrary: they’re designed to keep us safe. If we say the hardest shit to ourselves, it will keep us from taking unnecessary risks.
I’ve got a couple ways to approach to this issue. First is Emily Nagoski’s approach of “completing the cycle.” Nagoski writes about evolution and the brain in her wonderful book Come as You Are (which is, I should mention, mostly about sex): “If you’re generally overwhelmed by twenty-first-century life . . . as far as your brain is concerned everything is a charging lion. And if you’re being chased by a lion, is that a good time to have sex?”
I pose the same question for creativity: if you’re being chased by a lion, is that a good time to write a poem?
Nakoski goes on to say, “In modern life, we are, as I mentioned, almost never chased by lions.” She advises, “When you're being chased by a lion, what do you do? You run. So when you're stressed out by your job (or by your sex life), what do you do? You run...or walk, or get on the elliptical machine or go out dancing or even just dance around your bedroom. Physical activity is the single most efficient strategy for completing the stress response cycle and recalibrating your central nervous system into a calm state.”
She also mentions crying and making purely expressive art as a way to complete a cycle. I’d add breath work and gentle but firm repeated body movements (moving my torso back and forth with my breath, tapping my feet on the floor) to the list of things that work for me.
I find that this works in the short term, but that when my energy cyclically turns towards self-preservation, over time this doesn’t leave energy for creativity or play - and then I lose the ability to tune into those things. Tension closes off the parts of our mind (and spirit) that expand to let in inspiration and joy. Something else (addressing a fear, surviving) is The Most Important Thing right now.
Just today I was talking with a client about tools for nervous system regulation. “Not all tools address the beliefs you’ve picked up in your personal history,” I told her. “Taking care of the frightened part of you, and offering them different beliefs, will have a more lasting effect.”
In other words, you can say, “I am going to sit down in my living room and be creative for one hour every day.” You can even then do so, and when you feel stressed, complete a stress cycle. But if you have consistent internal messages of “What you’re making isn’t worth making,” addressing those messages directly and compassionately is, in my experience, the only way to be liberated for good.
Because shame compounds. “No one will like what you make,” says the voice trying to protect you from outside judgment. So you back off, and don’t make art. More shame follows: “You’re failing to do what you love,” says another part of us. There’s no winning when we let the fearful parts of us take control.
The only way to win is to ask the judgmental voice: “What are you afraid of, really?” And when that answer comes up, ask the voice, “What can I do to support you?”
Here’s an example from my own life:
I’m working on my novel, sitting in the armchair in my office with my lap desk on my knees, typing away. “This scene is dumb,” says the voice in my mind.
“It’s not,” I tell the voice. I keep writing. I don’t want to waste time worrying - I’m here to write 500 words, goddammit.
“This scene is dumb,” says the voice, a little louder now. I ignore it again. Tension gathers in my body. My breath gets shallow. I start to picture someone else reading the scene and rolling their eyes at it, but I try to ignore this. I’m a good writer, and I know that intellectually!
“THIS SCENE IS DUMB,” says the voice, and this time it’s much louder. Its fear has taken over my body: I’m tense and thirsty and the image of someone rolling their eyes is ALL I CAN THINK OF!
In a last ditch effort to keep writing, I push the voice down. “Well, screw you too,” it says as it takes ahold of the steering wheel: now I can’t think about anything but the anxiety.
“Okay, okay!” I finally say. “Sorry I ignored you. I can see you need something from me, and I shouldn’t blow that off. Let’s say the scene is dumb. What are you afraid of if that’s true?”
The voice settles a little, glad to have my ear. “Your friends will think you’re a bad writer,” it says. “You’ll share your work and people will turn their backs. They’ll laugh at you.”
“Okay.” I make sure not to rush in with all the reasons the voice is wrong. “I can see why that’s scary. What support can I give you?” I ask.
“Do you think everyone will leave us if you put your writing out there?” the voice asks, tentatively.
“No,” I say truthfully. “Remember when we let that friend read our first chapter? They were so excited by it. I think people will get closer to me if I share my work with them.”
The voice considers this. They nod their head.
“If people do laugh at me,” I follow up, “what’s the worst that could happen? Would we die?”
“No,” the voice answers. “But if people don’t like our work, who will care for us?”
“I will,” I answer, “and the people who value me for being who I am.”
The voice considers. It grows calm. “Well then, I think we should keep writing this scene,” it says.
If you grew up as a gifted child, AKA someone who was praised for what you made, for good grades, for being Special (dare I say better than other kids?), chances are you have this voice too, and that it believes you need to keep making work others like in order to be safe and get the care you need.
That’s the wild thing. We’re adults now - we provide the care we need.
~ • ~
If you struggle with these voices during your own writing process, you might be a good fit for Fiction Cauldron, my writer’s workshop. Nonfiction writers are also welcome.
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Me in an olive green coat, plaid scarf and yellow hat, smiling into the sun with the snowy Concord, MA woods behind me. I visited my parents last weekend and I went snow shoeing, which was a great time and is where I took this photo.
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Sat. March 21
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Win of the Week:
Last week, one of my clients was struggling with a decision. It was an important call to make, one that would decide the focus of her creative goals moving forward in our work and her life. After discussing the concerns underlying the struggle, she made the decision with ease.
Spell of the Week :
Regulate my nervous system and when that’s done, do something pleasurable and easy.
Question(s) I'm asking this week:
What is real, and what is anxiety?
What I’m reading:
I’ve been reading a Webtoon called Stagtown, and I can’t put it down. Spooky small town history-to-present-day horror in the form of beautiful graphic art? My dream.
Wheel of the year:
They days are longer, spring is around the corner. We’re just starting to gather momentum. Notice where your energy is gathering, and grow it - don’t burn it all at once. Also, Imbolc just happened! To learn more about living in alignment with the seasons, sign up for my Patreon (free and paid options available) 𓇢𓆸
