Too Many Wands!
Me at the Renaissance Faire, my favorite birthday celebrating activity. Sorry to whomever I caught in the background having a gulp. Staying hydrated at the Ren Faire is very important, so nice work.
Welcome to December, a month where many of us struggle to do less while fielding constant invitations to do more! This newsletter will get into seasonal people pleasing and offer some ways to keep your season calm, peaceful, and feeling good.
The resounding chorus this week, as I listen to friends and the world at large, is “How the hell did I end up with this many commitments / plans / expectations? Again?”
Here’s my theory: In the summer, we can handle a lot of plans, commitments, and external expectations. In fact, those things are invigorating. In May we remember what it’s like to be out in the world, and start the wheel of plan-making a-turning. Through September we enjoy ourselves by meeting up with friends, road tripping to see loved ones, and spontaneously going for a swim or walk or tea time.
Tricksy October rolls around, a month of spooking and feasting. The light is waning and it’s getting colder, but we’re not about to slow down when there’s apples to pick, woods to walk in, pumpkins to carve, parties to attend!
November comes. We’re starting to realize it’s early winter, and it would be nice to do less. We plan big meals and start to spend more time in our cozy pants with a fire / cat / book / cup of tea.
Then, December: family gatherings, travel again, more seasonal events.
We get caught up in the feeling that others are counting on us to cook and talk with them. It’s hard to imagine sacrificing any of it, when others are expecting us to be there. But if we’re all feeling this way, maybe collectively we all secretly want to do a little less.
Like most people pleasing, this vague sense of Should usually doesn’t come from what people are actually thinking about us. It’s more of a collective atmosphere, an awareness of expectations, both cultural and social, of how to show our love.
For a few years, I went into a “no Thanksgiving or Christmas” cocoon. Overwhelmed by obligation and tradition for its own sake, I had a sort of adolescent “omg you guys don’t bother me!!!” moment. I think I had to have it: I was too worried about what my people would think of me, and too doubting of my own ability to do things in moderation without capitulating to that worry.
I leaned hard into the Winter Solstice, and told my family that I was a Yule Person now. They, delightfully, embraced this and started offering ideas for how we could celebrate Yule together.
I am still a Yule Person. Feral, original, Pagan Christmas? It’s my vibe. But Christmas is EVERYWHERE, and it was a big part of my childhood, and I’m allowing myself to be curious once more about where Christmas energy might fit into my world.
This was a process of wrestling with expectations, “how it’s been done,” and what I really wanted.
Do you have seasonal expectations put upon you, imagined or real, and struggle to clarify whether you want to meet them or not? Here are some ideas that might help:
Setting a boundary just to show someone you can is still orbiting around them. That is, it’s still not about you, and what you want. I find it helps to set the boundaries I know I need in order to have space and time to listen to my own desires (even if they’re a little heavy handed), and develop the courage to make decisions from there.
Making plans at this time of year gets compulsive. Like the figure in the 10 of Wands in the Tarot, we get five wands in our arms and then think, “Maybe I need two more.” Then we end up with ten. Picking up wands makes us feel more in control while actually spinning us out of it.
When things get too intense, we panic and put down all 10 wands at once. It’s a practice to learn how to put down three, or five, and still hold onto our priorities - to sacrifice some things we wanted to do, get okay with disappointing people, and stick with the commitments that matter to us the most.
The 10 of Wands in the Rider Waite Colman Smith Tarot deck.
There are tangible tools we can use to reconnect with ourselves and feel confident that we’re choosing the things that are important to us while still being kind to our loved ones.
The first step is just getting back in your own energy and relaxing enough to feel calm.
Here is a meditation I’ve recorded that’s designed to help you do exactly that!
Then, we look at what we feel obligated to do and why we feel that way, and heal ourselves enough to be solid in our priorities, even in the presence of real or imagined guilt or disappointment from a loved one.
Parts Work is a great tool for this, and one that I use with my clients to help them feel confident in their values and decisions.
This time of year supports us by offering us the chance to consider what we need, and then act on that knowledge. We can bring softness to both what we choose to do, and in how we make and communicate those choices.
“Wintering is a sacred pause for healing and rebuilding, as opposed to mere hibernation,” writes spiritual practitioner Becky Hambrick. While I think the concept of hibernation feels liberating to many of us, I like Becky’s point that we need this season for more than just rest: it’s a mending of the parts of ourselves that have grown thin and tired, which allows us to be our fullest selves the whole rest of the year. (For more in that vein, sign up for my Patreon (free tier) before next week to get my short writings on the Winter Solstice!)
Happy prioritizing, and see you next week, which will be my last newsletter before I take a little break!
xox
Isabel
~•~
P.S. Fiction Cauldron, my writers workshop that starts in January, is filling up fast! I have 3 spots left. Read the details below, and if you’re interested in joining, send me an email!
Village Witch’s Corner
Spell of the Week :
Slow down. Notice where I’m moving at fewer mph and listen to this.
Question(s) I'm asking this week:
How can I support my community while also supporting my own energy?
What I’m Reading:
Warrior to Whisperer, a book about a Navy vet who becomes an animal communicator and his journey in expanding his perception of the world.
Wheel of the year:
Winter is here, December is here, the light wanes, welcoming us into hibernation and mending. Lighting candles and spending time under blankets are ways to celebrate. Slowing our motion and noticing what magic seeps in when we do is also a great one. The weight of the year so far starts to fall away and make space for the new to come in at the Solstice. To learn more about living in alignment with the seasons, sign up for my Patreon (free and paid options available)!
