Moving Beyond People Pleasing
November vacillates between cold and warm here in North Carolina. Sometimes in the fall I’m tempted to wear just a sports bra (and, like, pants) to enjoy the rare warm breeze. But what will people think? Will it make them uncomfortable? Over a few years I’ve grown my ability to pull those tendrils of worry back and think from myself: do I like this? What is most comfortable? And decide what to wear that way.
When I was deciding what topic to write about next, People Pleasing was my only real idea. I thought I’d come up with a few more, put a poll here, and see what folks wanted to hear about. I didn’t even have to make a digital post: within days 3 people had told me, unprompted, that they were currently struggling with people pleasing. “Thanks, Universe — topic chosen,” I said.
It can be so frustrating when we know how we want to live our lives, but keep giving in to what we think others want of us. It can be imagined or real, the way that someone would like us to behave, but the effect is the same: we make ourselves smaller, put off the risky-feeling life choices that are aligned with what we truly care about.
I remember having a conversation with my parents (hi parents, if you are reading this!) when I was maybe 25. I was worried how they’d feel about the way I lived my life: I was increasingly both nonmonogamous and covered in tattoos.
I was on the phone with my parents and I said to them, “Guys, I think I’m going to do some things you won’t like.”
“Well, what do you mean?” my mom asked.
“Like, I’m going to get some big tattoos. And Evan and I are still dating other people.” I was pretty scared of what they would think of me.
“Well, we just want you to be happy,” they said. While some of my choices definitely made them uncomfortable, they didn’t tell me not to do them. Usually they just told me to be careful. They had their own fears and worries, which is understandable. They were balancing their worries with their desire to see me grow into myself.
I’m in a happy place with my parents, even if it’s not always easy. It took me a couple years just to broach the above conversation with them.
I want to stop trying to control the reactions of everyone around me all the time. This is how we get closer with each other. After several years of back-and-forthing around our relationship and what is important to all of us, I am more able to fully be myself around my parents. I trust that they love me and respect my choices.
The effort is always rewarding, and usually the conversations we have leave me feeling closer to them, both more loving and more loved. The relationship is important enough to all of us to face our fears and confront each other, and ourselves. What could be closer or more loving?
It’s hard to teach ourselves that the way to be close, honest, and caring with people is not “say what you need to say to make them happy.”
Here’s another example: I have a history of fawning with my friends. It started in kindergarten when I had a best-friend-of-the-year who liked to take my stuff. Standing up to her never even crossed my mind. Once, I found a nickel and a dime on the playground. She took the bigger one, which was the nickel. I didn’t tell her that she’d chosen the less valuable coin.
Clearly, I knew what she was doing was fucked up, and I didn’t want her to take my stuff. But it was our dynamic. She knew I wouldn’t push back. I was too worried about being alone. I thought she was cool. I was flattered that she had chosen me. I felt lucky to be her friend.
Why did I think these things? Maybe it was part of the kindergarten social hierarchy, she was cool and I wasn’t. More likely, she acted confident a few times, I acted lower-than-she a few times, and voila, a dynamic was born. It was possibly a perfect storm of the different ways she and I expressed our six-year-old insecurities.
I watch myself play out fawning dynamics with friends even now: anxiously asking a friend how they are, performing that I care A LOT, more than other people! Or always going with what’s convenient for another person, so I can guarantee that we’ll hang out, because the possibility of being alone scares me.
I have to consciously reach for that six year old, or twelve year old, or sixteen year old inside of me who is afraid we’ll get friend-dumped, and hold her until she feels like it’s ok to just see what happens. It makes me a better friend to do this, too.
Because people-pleasing isn’t about connecting. Sometimes I placate myself by thinking, “I’m such a good friend, I anticipate everyone’s needs,” but the reason I do this isn’t to be a good friend - it’s to be valued, wanted. People like those who please them. All of these dynamics are normal, human, and understandable.
But we don’t have to keep ‘em up, you know? Give me an uncomfortably honest relationship where we build trust through thinking hard about what’s real and important, and then saying it out loud. I’ll consider avoiding it, sure, because that’s scary, but it’s ultimately what I’ll choose :)
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Clarify on 1-2 perfectionist tendencies you have
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Village Witch’s Corner
Spell of the Week :
Stay in the loop with what’s happening in my city (ICE has come to Raleigh) and also take care of myself.
Question(s) I'm asking this week:
Do I need a snack or to sit quietly?
What I’m Reading:
Parable of the Sower, it’s been on my list forever. I’m not enjoying it, per se, because it’s kind of grueling, but it is fascinating and beautiful.
Wheel of the year:
We’re in the early winter days. The leaves are almost done falling, and they leave (pun intended) clarity in their wake. The weight of the year so far starts to fall away and make space for the new to come in at the Solstice. To learn more about living in alignment with the seasons, sign up for my Patreon (free and paid options available).
