Finding Trust in Ourselves
The moon in early February, illuminating the sky with a starburst of light and shining on the bare winter tree branches.
I have always gone through times where I am holding too much: started too many projects, committed to too many social engagements, put too many things on the schedule and taken on too many assignments.
There are recurrent signs that this is happening: I start making to do lists on post its, iPhone notes, envelopes and in little word processing docs on my desktop and in google docs. When I need lists in that many places, things are not right.
My brain also starts racing, and doesn’t stop. I have to consider, “Am I perseverating on this because of my OCD?” But when I get so overcommitted, my brain has every right to be constantly racing. There are that many things to track, and at all times at least one of them will have some new development to tend to.
Over the years I’ve gotten much faster at noticing this kind of chronic overcommitment, and addressing it right away. I don’t get sick every two months anymore; I don’t push myself hard enough to get there. I don’t keep up with a commitment just because I know it will disappoint someone when I leave; they are allowed to be disappointed, and I am allowed to leave.
The hardest part is not judging myself for having ended up here again. The part of me in charge of self judgment is just trying to protect me - to judge myself before anyone else will, so I can get my reactions in order privately. But it still sucks when she says, “Oh my god, we’re overwhelmed AGAIN?!”
I have to say, “Yes Eloise, again. I’m human, and we’re actually going to show up here several more times, and that’s normal.”
To which she replies, “It is? Are you saying it’s okay?”
“It’s okay,” I reassure her. “What do you need from me to support you while you’re feeling like this is hard to weather?”
“Just keep reminding me it’s actually fine,” she says. “I need to be reminded it’s actually not that serious.
In Parts Work, a type of therapy that I do an unorthodox version of with myself and my clients, we imagine different parts of ourselves as whole beings with agendas and emotional states. Above is Eloise, my Self Judgment part, first when she is stressed out and then when she is doing well (usually because I’ve taken good care of her).
This kind of conversation is Parts Work, and it’s something I do with myself a few times a day. I also guide clients through it to help them learn how to react to their own internal voices differently. Instead of getting pissed off and shoving Eloise’s judgment down (which only makes her louder and cross her arms tighter), I get curious about why she might be acting that way. What would lead someone to be so judgmental? (Spoiler, it’s fear.) This kind of curiosity-driven empathy helps me in navigating relationships with other people, too.
But back to my chronic overcommitment. Spreading myself thin means I don’t get to put real time and energy into the shit I truly care about. Instead I have to make hard decisions about what that shit is vs. what feels good but actually isn’t my priority.
Here’s a big one: being a kind and compassionate person is a priority. Meeting everyones needs and never disappointing anyone isn’t. I have to cyclically teach myself that those are different things.
When I do a good job of slowing down, looking at the situation, and making changes, I trust myself. I won’t push myself into exhaustion, and I will make hard decisions that get me what I really want.
Things that are important to me:
My relationships with my life partner and chosen family
My relationships with my family of origin
Taking care of my house and yard
Being with my pets
My work
Playing music
Taking care of my body and doing fun strength building and movement
Having quiet moments throughout the day to build overall peace
Things that I’m learning to let go:
Maintaining friendships with every friend I’ve ever had until they leave first
My athletic activities needing to be the same every time
Meeting cool new people for its own sake
Getting things done quickly (this one is particularly connected to my OCD)
Short term but high commitment pleasures that aren’t connected to my overall priorities
Getting clear on these distinctions has allowed me to believe in myself and my work I trust that I’m doing a good job of helping myself shift what isn’t feeling good, so I know I can do good work with other people too.
This ripples out. I talk about my work more, and with more passion and confidence. I try out different ways of talking about it until I find clear ones that connect with people. I know that when I promise something to a client, I can deliver on it. I do better work, and then I am proud and talk more about the better work, and then this loops. Quality over quantity means becoming more grounded so I can actively and confidently choose to do less.
My coaching work feels clearer and fuller than ever. I have more clients because I’m talking up my shit more. My behavior has become more advocatory, more confident, more forward - not invasive or annoying, just clear in what I do and how valuable it could be to other people. I am making more money because I’m able to have clear expectations around what I need. Clarity around all of this informs what tasks I decide to do, including when and how I wrote this newsletter.
Pouring out the branches from my winter solstice season decorations into my yard to be composted
If you haven’t seen the new home for my seasonal work, you might want to. What I’m putting out on Patreon includes:
Reframing frustrations about more challenging times of year
Alternative celebrations to the holidays you’re ready to move away from
Regular touchpoints for staying grounded throughout the year
A community for unconventional living
xox
Isabel
Village Witch’s Corner
My intention this week :
To stop working earlier in the day.
Question I'm asking this week:
What are all of the things my brain is racing around and tracking?
Which can I let go of in order to simplify my life and bring more peace?
What I’m listening to:
It’s been a week of needing my comfort food to reground as I let go of somethings, and I’ve been listening to my favorite podcast, My Favorite Murder.
Tiny Spell of the Week:
Make a list of all the little things you want to let go right now. Then burn it and feel them release.
