Leave Perfectionism Behind

My last swim of the warm season. I shoved it in imperfectly at the end of a work day rather than figuring out the impossible task of how to have a whole swim day, and I didn’t even get caught in traffic on the way home.

I’ve spoken to a lot of people lately about their desire to deal with their perfectionism. (Same.) Here are some common themes:

I don’t feel satisfied even when I do things well - I gotta push it further

I only feel valuable when I do things to the Nth degree

It’s all or nothing, doing things partway feels inaccessible

There’s a better version just three steps from now . . . and three steps more

We all deal with perfectionism, but the places those perfectionist impulses come from vary person to person. Different past experiences lead to different internal narratives, and those narratives shape our actions.

For example, the realities of “I only feel valuable when I do things to the Nth degree” and “Doing things partway feels inaccessible” come from different experiences.

You might have them both, but changing perfectionist patterns requires understanding specifically why they are happening.

Let’s take “I only feel valuable when I do things to the Nth degree.” Lots of us were shown, by teachers, parents, and the media, that we were more valuable if we got better grades. If we always received that message, and got the most praise when we got A’s and did 10 extracurriculars, we probably learned that working our asses off is a surefire way to get approval - maybe even love.

These messages are so common, but looking them in the eye isn’t, so lots of us are walking around with that same drive.

It’s 30 years later, but you still want approval and love! And if you proofread that briefing twenty times, so that it reads so smoothly and your boss is impressed, you’ll get them! Right?

There’s both sense and nonsense in this way we think. The sense is, it worked once, it’ll probably work again. The nonsense is, I will look to my boss for the validation and care I need.

The fact that it’s nonsense doesn’t matter. The parts of us that created those beliefs did so to keep us safe and warm.

As adults, the validation and care we need comes from ourselves. Not even our spouses, or our best friends - those boosts can prop us up temporarily, but the only lasting validation and care comes from us, to us.

Let’s look at another narrarrative, that of “doing things partway seems inaccessible.” Many of us have experiences where we’ve seen “moderation” fail: watching an addict relative, or our own sleep-deprived desire for “just five more minutes” become thirty more.

If we watch moderation fail our alcoholic parent, we learn that it’s all or nothing. Parent can’t do some, so it’s nothing, beacuse the alternative is all.

We want to trust the adults in our world, and when they don’t have the tools to deal with their challenges, we watch “moderation” fail. The same might play out with a loved one who diets unsustainably out of shame, and who waffles between “many rules” and “no rules.”

The “sense” here is that we can have compassion for ourselves in seeing exactly where this stuff comes from. The “nonsense” comes from the fact that we are now adults and “should” see things differently. But tell that to our inner children, whom we haven’t yet taken under our wing to show them a different way.

Safety used to come from the adults in our lives. Now we are the adult in our lives. Perfectionism is usually driven by seeking out safety in some way - of course the impulse is strong! Creating safety through approaching our old narratives, having compassion for ourselves, and learning new ways to show ourselves we’re safe is how we can start to leave perfectionism behind.

My cauldron, which is never completely rust-free, and that is . . . hard to accept

Village Witch’s Corner

My intention this week : 

Get things done, and show myself I’m trustworthy, by letting go of some of my perfectionist tendencies

Question(s) I'm asking this week:

Can I get away with not wearing leggings under my skirt for another week or two?

What I’m Listening To:

Josh Ritter’s wonderful new album, at the suggestion of a friend.

Spell of the Week:

Hey, have you had lunch yet? Go eat lunch. You love lunch.

Wheel of the year:

We’re entering the darker, cooler season, and Samhain (Halloween) is just around the corner. The veil is thinning, the light is changing! To keep an eye out for a Samhain meditation, spell, and explanation, sign up for my Patreon (free and paid options available).