Turn frantic moths into peaceful moths
My beloved bandmates and I tearing it up onstage this past March. Check us out here!
You know that feeling where you have so many tasks to track, so many jobs to do, and so many emotional works to work on that it feels like all these things are flying around you, batting at you and clouding your vision, and you cant wrangle them no matter how hard you try?
I’ve been feeling that way the past couple weeks, and I know it’s a combination of “many actual things on my plate” and “the compulsions and coping mechanisms that make it feel like there are twice as many things on my plate.”
This week, to get my shit together, I wrote all my Big Projects, Small Projects, and little things to do up on the giant chalkboard in my office. I like to have them mapped out on my wall, to see that the current comprehensive picture of my life is actually manageable. Or I realize it isn’t, and I have to cut some things, and I get on that instead.
When I looked at my blackboard, I felt more in control, but still kind of bad. I felt like “Okay, I’ve got all the big crows that were flying around my head cawing to sit down and eat, but now there’s all these moths that are brushing against my skin and I’m not sure what they even are to address them.”
The moths are, loosely:
Compulsively checking my texts
Using my phone to look shit up that I don’t need to know (like the actress in a movie I saw 10 years ago)
Eating junk food without even enjoying it
Coming up with little projects (like switching all my passwords to a password protective app) and then giving myself 3 days to do them
Staying up later than I intended doing those little projects, and then rushing my bedtime
I can invent infinite tasks for myself to do. I’m REALLY good at it. Or, I should actually say, there’s a couple of inner voices that are really good at it. One believes that if I keep moving always, I can avoid hard feelings and experiences. The other believes that safety will come from being entirely in control. Together, they make a very persuasive team, and sometimes they end up running my life.
There’s a line in a song I wrote for Chicken Ranch Road Show, the band I’m in, that goes like this:
I hear doubting voices, every single day
But I have learned to love them, and everything they say
Until they trust me
(You can here part of that song here on the 4th slide, or come to one of our shows to hear it in full! If you’re in the triangle, we’re playing Monday 5/26 at Neptunes and next Friday 5/30 at The Cave.)
The two voices that get me to engage with all the moths will only stop trying to keep me moving, and trying to be in full control, if I show them some love and compassion. Otherwise they’ll be like, “fuck you, you don’t get it, let’s just keep on rolling.” I have to show them I understand WHY they are doing what they’re doing. They’re scared, and trying to keep me safe from hard stuff.
But I don’t want to live that way. Those inner voices are doing a lot better than they used to. They don’t run the show all the time, but there are always going to be moments in my life that rile them up. Cyclically, I face new challenges with them. The trick isn’t fixing the situation permanently - that’s not a thing. The trick is having tools I’m familiar with to use to take care of myself, to calm the moths until they can also rest. To be capable of, with hard work but without pain, tip the scales slowly back in the direction of Peace and Groundedness.
Recently I watched The Matrix for the first time. (How’d it take me so long? I don’t know. It’s a masterpiece of camp, wet look, and wisdom.) This morning, when I felt the scales tip after a week of intentional inner work, I felt like Neo, dodging bullets in slow mo. When he can see the full picture (AKA see all the puzzle pieces that comprise up his world), he understands that he has agency, and can choose what to engage with, considering things slowly and choosing what he will and won’t touch.
Neo in The Matrix
When I reach for my phone, I realize what I’m doing, that I don’t need to, and I choose differently.
When I reach for the potato chips, I eat a couple, savoring them, and then put them away.
In looking for that picture of Neo above, I found that this comparison has been made already in mindfulness and meditation spaces. I love a good meditation, and need meditation in order to reach Neo-state. But for me, the tangible is part of what I enjoy about getting my life in order too. I love my chalkboard, all my written-and-drawn organizing tools, because they ground me and feel good in my hands. The way I work is a combination of mindfulness and really embodied, hands-on practices.
When I work in this way, and when my clients try it, we’re able to reach a feeling like we’re leaning our backs against a big, solid tree. Like everything’s actually going to be okay (and that’s not just a mantra to keep us from freaking out).
Village Witch’s Corner
My intention this week :
Get grounded.
Question(s) I'm asking this week:
What do I need to imperfectly Just Get Done in order to move through an overfull moment?
What I’m listening to:
Lucius’s eponymous new album. I love it, a delicious blend of folk and electric pop that’s really getting getting me in the mood for writing my novel.
Tiny Spell of the Week:
What little treat would really nourish you? Then which one would be really indulgent? Then, which one would nourish you?
