Midwinter Rediscovery
Isabel in a yellow hat and green scarf and jacket with a gold shiny earring. They stand outside in the snow on a freshly snowy street with two snow-covered cars in the background.
If you, like me, struggle with seasonal affective disorder (SAD), this time of year has a particular flavor to it: it’s a time of wanting to do more than just maintain, but struggling to remember the feeling of fun and invigoration.
Last night it snowed here in Raleigh, a whole couple inches (which is a lot for us). While I don’t miss the length and depth of winters in the north east, I do miss “real winter” sometimes, and I miss snow. Earlier this year I was grieving the way it’s snowed less and less here since I moved to North Carolina, as the years get warmer.
Last night, unexpected snow arrived and the world turned white and quiet. The thing I miss the most about snow is its deep, peaceful silence: everything is muffled in the gentlest, most ephemeral way, and our bodies recognize it. A snow day in Massachusetts meant waking up to a quiet, bright world and feeling joyously spacious.
As my partner and I walked along the newly snowy street, I tried to revel in the present. This is it, I thought, the quiet peaceful snow moment you were longing for.
But as happens with all kinds of depression, the joy wasn’t flowing in easily. I backed off, and didn’t push myself. The snow was beautiful: I could start to sense peace in my muscles. A couple times, I felt a grin slip onto my face. This was enough.
A loved one recently said to me, “Depression is so fucked up in the way it makes you forget the things that bring you joy, or if you remember them it makes them feel arduous and inaccessible.” I went Exactly! Those things aren’t gone, they’re just harder to remember, and harder to reach.
My therapist phrased this differently: she said that often depression comes in winter when we let ourselves slip out of the habits of the things we love, when it’s easier to just sink into bed or the couch and do less until we forget that feeling happy came from the things that make us happy.
I think these are the same concept, or at least I’m going to see them as the same because that’s useful to me. It’s a chicken-or-the-egg question the answer to which doesn’t really matter: winter comes, embracing hibernation slips into letting go of our favorite most empowering activities, and insidiously we find ourselves in the throes of SAD. (Less sun may play a role too, this is just one big part I’ve been thinking about).
Here are some things that make me feel good about myself:
Walking in the woods
Aerial silks and being at my studio
Going to the coffee shop and chatting with people there
Wearing a cute outfit
Going on dates
Playing music
All of these things take effort, and several of them take a certain amount of confidence. They are a web: they need each other to build a connected support system for my self worth, my confidence, and my desire to connect with others. When I do a few of them, it’s easier to do the rest. Though it’s so tempting to just be alone on my couch right now, it’s life-changingly important for me to get myself up and do at least 1 of these things (or others on my list) every day.
It’s a kind of alchemy, an energetic transformation that happens when we put in effort on behalf of ourselves. It creates more energy, a cyclical conversation of life enrichment that I’m coming to see not as a survival tactic until spring comes, but as a crucial strengthening of my capacity to enjoy life.
What are you doing to grow your self worth and connection to the world this winter, this moment as we embark on the next four years in the U.S.? This kind of alchemy is foundational to being able to relate to each other in ways that mean visioning a different world.
This is what I do in my coaching: I connect with clients around their specific life challenges and the changes they desire, then help them establish magical and creative practices that facilitate personal transformation and a deeper connection to the collective. This work is slow, powerful, and fucking joyful. It’s one pathway to collective healing.
You can learn more and join me here.
Village Witch’s Corner
My intention this week :
Spend time with loved ones, and ground into the relationships that bring meaning to my life.
Question I'm asking this week:
How many “to dos” checked off my list are enough, and where is that number less than I originally assigned myself?
What time can become easily become pleasure and leisure time as soon as I let it?
Podcast episode of the week:
Handling Rejection on the Multiamory Podcast
Book I’m Reading:
A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas which I keep accidentally calling a Crown of thorns and roses. I’m pleasurably low-level invested in it, and seriously enjoying it. I think the writing is overwrought but really good and totally suits the story, which is just unpredictable enough to be a total pleasure. 10/10 winter escapism choice.
Tiny Spell of the Week:
Dance wildly to a provoking song, and then get still enough to feel peaceful in your muscles.
