Ego Death and Liberation

This week has brought a lot of positive, earth-shifting movement, and along with it, the necessary humility and awareness to make such changes happen. When we grow, we outgrow old skins, and the process of wriggling out of them, or splitting them open to crawl out of them, is . . . honestly, uncomfortable feels like an understatement.

This process is identity-shaking, humbling (which can feel like “humiliating”), confusing, and too much for who we used to be.

These moments ask the frightened parts of ourselves to step into new roles, the roles they’d rather play. For example, a part of me that protects me by getting angry and lashing out decides she’d rather grow in strength and stand up to those trying to control me - and have the discernment to realize when it’s me who is seeking control.

Ain’t that the way? Often, the things that bother us in others’ behavior, through our own fixation on them, become our own behavior. Someone once described this to me as “the whole world is a mirror.” Pay attention to what you most notice out in the world, and see if it’s something in you as well.

I think of ego death as the process of shedding an old skin. When I notice that I don’t need an old narrative about myself anymore (i.e. “I am gentle and kind and everyone likes me”), I am liberated to not have to keep up the charade of it. It’s freeing, and raw. I feel like a hermit crab on the crawl between a too-small shell and the next, larger one, my meaty back bare to the sky full of seagulls. It’s worth that trip, though, and the more of them I make, the more I understand they are just part of life. They feel increasingly approachable, even if they never stop feeling like “too much” at the start.

I used to say that my drug of choice was NRE, or “new relationship energy,” the feeling when you’re super into someone new that you’re dating and you KNOW they are also super into you. The brain chemicals of that time are WILD, and I used to looooove them. I still enjoy, but I’m a microdoser now. When I get too lost in them, I lose track of myself. It’s not as fun as it used to be, because the pleasure of NRE hinges on what someone else thinks of me. It requires me to praise and wait for praise as a fundamental aspect of my enjoyment.

This week, I discovered my new drug of choice is getting over my own soothing narratives about myself and really liking who I am, actually, without the crutch of needing to perform for myself. Is it as easy or fun a drug? Nope, so that’s probably not the right metaphor. But it’s much more satisfying and longer living than NRE.

My definition of likable, and what makes me or anyone else likable, has changed. I am learning to like myself because I fuck up pretty bad and then do something about it, and then get over it and keep living.

My understanding of “who I am” also isn’t as tidy as it used to be. It changes a lot, and is hard to discern - not a clear-cut diamond, like my controlling parts want it to be, but a mushy, awkward-looking bundle of raw nerves and brain matter. (Did you know I write horror?) In comparison, the barebacked hermit crab (which I’ve just googled) is extremely tidy and composed.

Tulip is molting, so while most of her fur is short, her butt is way fluffier than usual, and the contrast is hilarious.

If life is a continuous journey of empowerment and self-discovery (and that is how I want to live my life), then there needs to be fun along the way, an ease that balances the more grueling moments of self confrontation. This Wednesday, while the weather snowed us in for a night in Raleigh, I watched Work It starring Sabrina Carpenter while texting with chosen family who were simultaneously watching it, snowed in at their house.

While there were many highlights (Sabrina Carpenter making a terrifying ghoul face, the gradual transformation from her frumpy hair to her signature blowout lining up perfectly with her transformation from “bad at dancing” to “good at dancing”), my favorite scene was the final dance scene. Sabrina dances in a way that’s both sexy and self-owned, both masculine and feminine in her neo-Avril lewk, blowout flying and impressive abs flashing. Watching her dance was a joyful mix of strength and play with a dash of sexuality thrown in. It made me feel connected to my own strength, physical goals, and sexuality during a week when I was in a lot of physical pain (back issue) and when some tough therapy sessions made my want to crawl under a blanket and ignore my body entirely.

Village Witch’s Corner

My intention this week : 

My intention this week was to reconnect with how taking care of myself and doing the things that fulfill me is the best path towards calling in the work life that I want. This is the reason for a belated blog/NL post!

Question I'm asking this week:

What are the things that fulfill me? How soon can I be doing one of them?

What I’m listening to:

I’ve been regulating my nervous system with Beautiful Chorus, as recommended to me by my friend Monica, who specializes in helping solo entrepeneurs create sustainable growth in their work. Working with her has been transformational for me.

Tiny Spell of the Week:

Set a timer for 3 minutes. Tune into your shoulders. Breathe into them. See what space opens up when you send them some compassion, and allow your breath to soften them gradually. Have a conversation with your body.